Woman in the mirror, Crash aftermath!

Well it finally happened! While sitting trying to eat my tea I decided tonight was the night, mostly for my own benefit than other peoples, I decided I would get a few things off my chest. Maybe its true what some people say that once you write down (or in my case type) what you're thinking and whats bugging you that it gets better. Two years ago in April the inevitable happened and I fell off my bike, as I always say if you never fall off you're just not going fast enough or trying hard enough. Obviously I've fallen off before, this wasn't my first foray into scabs and scars, my legs are continually littered with them and its just something I've come to terms with, at the end of the day I can always wear trousers!

It was a normal run of the mill day, my usual loop at about 3pm on a weekday the perfect time to ride the wyre, just Ziva and I against the world. Got to one of the fastest sections, I've clocked as high as 30mph using a bike computer, the forest was really dry and the ground super hard so no reason to hold back. I said hello to a lady and her daughter and off I set, the next thought that entered my head was seeing a sapling and thinking 'oh sh*t!' The next thing I have any recollection of is being about half a mile further on and I was speaking to someone on the phone looking round at the forest, knowing exactly where I was but not having the words in my head to describe where it was and completely unaware as to why it was vital she understand where I was and how she could find me. Turns out it was the ever amazing 999 operators trying to direct the ambulance to my whereabouts. I could barely breath from the impact my chest had taken, we think I smashed my ribs against the stem, and the lady was trying to tell me to just sit still and wait but all I could think was if I stop moving they'll never find me and on I trudged for about a mile until I finally explained where I was and the ambulance got to me. 

Nobody knew where I was and no one would of missed me for a few hours. That thought still to this day bothers me and I can remember that feeling of thinking I would die there.

I had broken my jaw in three places, broken my finger, badly bruised my ribs, smashed three teeth out plus general cuts and bruises. I spent the next 24 hours vomiting blood with a broken jaw, unable to move my upper body as it hurt so much, unable to lick my own lips or do anything with my mouth at all. It took me a couple of days to come to the realisation that nobody was to blame, I can't blame anyone or be angry at anyone, it was an accident and thats been one of the hardest pills to swallow. It took me days to remember seeing that sapling and thinking 'I'm going to crash'. Nobody put it there, I did nothing wrong, it's just unfortunate. I had to stay in hospital for a few days and my lip/gum had to be cut open so they could put a plate on my chin and I was then sent home to recover.

To fix my broken jaw not only did I have to have a plate fitted but my mouth had to be wired shut for quite some time. Two months in fact, a soup diet for two months, two months of soup! I still to this day HATE SOUP! My lip and chin had stitches as the teeth being smashed out caused some damage, I lost the sensation in my chin where they had to cut through nerves to fit my plate and my front teeth are gone. It could of been so much worse my helmet was totalled, a crack ran through the entire depth of it and without it I'd be either wheelchair bound or dead, I know this and it should make me feel better, I should be able to appreciate it and should be grateful, I know people are worse off than myself, I know I'm still here and I'm still breathing. I know even typing this makes me come across as self centred but it doesn't make me feel any better and it doesnt change the fact that I'm sitting here wanting to yank out my front teeth that have just been screwed in yesterday. When your adult teeth they grow through the gums and create a lovely gum line, no implant can recreate the gum line. When you wear false teeth you have to take them out at night and put them on your bedside table. Romantic huh?! Even more romantic when someone asks you if you want a glass to put them in! 

I used to be one of those people who said 'If I win the lottery I'll have all new teeth, a perfect smile' and people still say it to me now, how they wish they could get rid of their own teeth. My teeth are gone and they're never coming back. Nothing NOTHING will replace my own teeth. You know how your mouth closes because your teeth fit together a certain way, when those teeth that guide you are gone, how will you find it again? When my jaw was fixed the department in the hospital asked me to shut my mouth and I couldn't find it, they had to find it for me. For thirty years I looked a particular way, a way I had come to terms with and was happy with and then an accident took it away in the blink of an eye. Now I look in the mirror and see things that nobody else sees, I look at photos of me and I'm unhappy. The smile I now wear is fake as it's not mine and never will be, it'll never look how I want it to. 

Whats the moral of this story? Am I trying to suggest you shouldn't ride your bikes for fear of falling off? I was back on my bike the week before the metal was removed from my mouth and I still ride that same section and now after time has passed I go just as fast as before. I guess I'm not trying to pass on any wisdom, I'm just trying to let you know that some day this may happen and to share my story with other women and people who have had an accident that they werent ready for, whether it involves biking or not. It's okay to be angry at nothing, it's okay to admit that actually 'I'm not okay'.